thirteen reasons why . . . not!

Thirteen reasons why is a cool mystery but it’s the wrong mystery. In a lot of ways. In fact, they’ve missed the whole point and because it’s so nicely done, we too can be fooled.

bottom line .  The show says shit happens and it crushes your spirit and destroys your soul and then somebody else figures out why and does something about it. Wrong! Spirit crushing, soul destroying shit happens so you can do something about it. As a matter of fact, figuring out what to do with the shit is what fundamentally builds your spirit and soul. Shit is fertilizer. . . if you don’t become a victim of it.

dream . I once dreamed of a pile of shit. A voice said “This is the wedding diet.” In other words, I’m suppose to eat it. Now let’s be clear. Eating shit does not mean just taking it. If someone gives you shit and you just eat it, nothing’s gained. You need to do something more; you need to digest it, break it down, understand it, and respond out of that understanding. And that’s harder, much harder. It’s what Hannah couldn’t do and what Clay is trying to do for her. But to gain her spirit and soul, she needed to do it herself. So what would that look like? Here are some responses to the first seven episodes.

1 . rumors

Hannah’s romantic first kiss is later ruined by the rumor that she “hooked” up with Justin i.e. they had sex (1st base, kissing; 2nd base, he feels up her shirt; 3rd base, he feels down her pants; 4th base or home-run, intercourse). Hannah actually does the right thing . . . almost. She tells the true story. But, too late and not to the right people.

rule of proportional response.  Your response is equivalent or comparable to the situation. If the rumor is broadcast over IM, your response is too, to the same people.

Nice rumor!  Makes a romantic first kiss at the bottom of a slide into something it wasn’t. Sad. Also, not true.

2 . friends

avoidance & blame .  We all get this one. We avoid saying difficult things because we don’t want to hurt someone or because we are hurt. Or we blame someone but don’t talk about it or don’t talk to them about it. Jessica and Alex don’t tell Hannah they are together; Alex doesn’t tell Jessica why he breaks up with her; Jessica thinks Hannah has hooked up with Alex but doesn’t talk to her about it. So what do we do?.

ask questions .

§  What’s your side of the story?

§  What’s the other person’s?

§  Was the hurt avoidable?

§  If you’ve made a mistake, say so, “I made a mistake. I’m sorry.”

§  Sometimes it’s unavoidable. Jessica and Alex want to be alone and that hurts Hannah. It can’t be avoided but it can be acknowledged. “I know this hurt you but we wanted to be alone.”

§  What would you want?

§  What would the other person want?

§  Is there a compromise?

3 . bullying

Best ass can be short hand for best piece of ass which implies “hooking up” which is why this is so pernicious. Alex is hurt because Jessica won’t hook up with him and so he implies that Hannah did.

Bully

1.  to treat someone in a cruel, insulting, threatening, or aggressive fashion ;  to act like a bully

2.  to cause someone to do something by means of force or coercion

the butterfly effect. a very small change in initial conditions (like the flapping of the wings of a butterfly) can create a significantly different outcome. In Hannah’s case, the outcome is a tornado of bullying and victimization.

But again, a very small change in initial conditions can create a significantly different outcome. If something cruel has such an effect, what about an act of kindness. What if when you saw something cruel, you said, "Hey that’s not cool."

The Butterfly effect. 

4 . crossing lines

Tyler loves Hannah but crosses the line when he takes pictures of her undressing in her bedroom.

Peeping Tom Laws . uslegal.com

Any person who, while in possession of any device which may be used to create a photographic image, shall secretly peep into any room shall be guilty of a Class A1 misdemeanor.

Any person who disseminates or allows to be disseminated images that the person knows, or should have known, were obtained as a result of the violation of this section shall be guilty of a Class H felony if the dissemination is without the consent of the person in the photographic image.

Any person whose image is captured or disseminated in violation of this section has a civil cause of action against any person who captured or disseminated the image.

My rights end . . .

. . . where your nose begins. Tyler crosses the line—legally. Laws show where the lines are between people. It’s alright to be angry but not to kill; it’s alright to want to have sex but the other person must consent; it’s alright to want something, but you have to pay for it. The lines mean that you and I both have rights.

Revenge

Hannah also crosses the line. So does Clay. The problem is that revenge feels good, wonderful . . . in the moment. But it is poisonous and kills the soul. It crosses the line.

5 . friends . . . not

When Hannah begins a friendship with Courtney were you surprised? If you think about the first episode with Cat, that was a real friend. You could see the affinity between them. As Cat later said, she would have been there to help Hannah. When something isn't real, it doesn't work out. Not because you failed, but because it isn't real.

6 . Valentine’s Day

This Valentine’s Day episode is really about dating and picking up cues, knowing some of the rules. In some native tribes, the man shoots an arrow into the butt of a woman he likes. If she likes him, she hands the arrow back to him (presumably smiling); if she’s not interested she breaks the arrow in half. Would that it were so easy, or so clear.

the rules of dating

1 someone you like     The first rule is, go out with someone you like. Hannah liked Clay; Clay liked Hannah. But neither said anything. Women use to drop a handkerchief in front of a man she liked.

2 what do you say?     So, given that we don’t carry handkerchiefs, what do you say? First, just talk to them—about a class, the food at school, teachers or classes you like. Does the person seem interested or distracted, barely giving you an answer or texting while you're talking. If the latter, forget it. They’re not interested. But if you talked to them a couple of times and they seem friendly, you may go to the next step.

3 asking someone out     The rule here is, one step at a time. Don’t declare your undying love or even say, “I really like you.” If you take just one step and fall, you don’t break a leg even if it hurts. Ask something casual, like if they want to grab a soda or coffee.

4 listen     really listen to the answer because this is where it gets tricky.

“No”

THEY LIKE YOU     They have something else they can’t get out of but, listen carefully, they’ll suggest some alternative. “God, I can’t go Friday because I promised my parents I’d babysit (argh). And I really wanted to see that film . . . .” This is the subtle offering of an alternative. You see, they’re saying no but suggesting something else.

NOT INTERESTED     Be careful here because someone can sound really enthusiastic, “Oh that sounds really great but . . . .” The thing to watch for is that they won’t suggest any alternative. And you’ll be thinking, they sounded really interested, I should just ask again. Forget it. They’re not interested.

“Yes”

THEY LIKE YOU     Strangely, this yes can be the most awkward and confused   . . . wait for it . . . because they like you! The person is nervous, says stupid things, is kicking themselves inside for having just said something stupid which makes them say the next stupid thing. But all that’s ok. In fact, it’s good. Keep this in mind when you’re the one saying stupid things. It’s all good.

NOT INTERESTED     Someone may agree to go out but you feel like something is off. They don’t seem enthusiastic or there will be some kind of obstacle or you may feel like you’re having to do all of the work, like “Yeh sure, I’ll be out with my friends anyway so you can meet me at . . . and I can stay for a quick . . . .

5 the unknown    If you’re going out with someone you don’t really know, ask a friend, male or female, if they know anything about this person. Has someone you know gone out with this person before? What’s their reputation? We know from Hannah that this can be all wrong, but it’s information.

It may sound strange, but what kind of animal does this person remind you of—puppy, kitten, wolf, stallion?

6 rumors     If there is a rumor about you, like there was about Hannah, say something. OK, saying something is awkward but the alternative is worse. “I know there are rumors about me but they’re not true. I wanted you to know that before we go out.” If the person suddenly remembers a test they have to study for, that they promised their parents/friend to . . . whatever, let it go. They’re not for you.

7 the 20 minute rule    Don’t wait more than 20 minutes. For anyone. Even if it’s the woman/man of your dreams. And if you’re outside, wait 10-15, and then leave. Don’t be mad because things can happen. There are good reasons why someone might be late. Don’t assume the worst but also, don’t wait.

If the person is interested, they’ll get in touch with a good explanation. If it’s a bad explanation, forget it. They’re not really interested and if they ask you out again, say “Sorry, things are really busy . . . with school/at home . . . right now.”

During the episode, one of the guys says if you make a girl wait and she’s still there after an hour, you know she’s DTF (down to fuck) i.e. putting up with disrespectful behaviour doesn’t mean you’re “nice” or “understanding.” It’s a signal that you can be fucked with. Leaving says, no, I can’t.

8 meet in a public place     If you’re uncomfortable, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Then you can come back and say you got a call from your . . . parents/friends . . . and need to go. Or you can call someone from the bathroom and have them come meet you.

7 . the right one

Zach is a sweet guy who is trying to be nice, gets hurt, does something mean and doesn’t know what to do or say. But the real issue here is that no matter how nice, he’s not the right guy for Hannah.

He’s not the right guy to go out with, even if he is sincere; he’s not the right guy to tell what she’s really feeling. Just like Courtney wasn’t the right girl to be friends with. The first rule of dating also applies to friendship. Who do you really like, have things in common with, click with. Hannah clicks with Clay; she clicked with Cat and Jessica. Who are your people?

The Archetypes of the Collective Unconscious

A review of a volume, specifically Sections II-V of the CW9i on archetypes, can at first glance appear superfluous. Jungian theory has been summarized, evaluated, and expanded upon by numerous works over the years. However, in the context of training new analysts, we take up a volume afresh and ask how does material, in this case written from 1934 to 1954, work today? From this perspective, different chapters illustrate both the strengths and potential limitations not only of Jung’s work but also within the field of Analytical psychology itself.

Interpersonal vs. Intrapsychic .  The chapter on the Mother archetype in part focuses on the positive and negative mother complex through various mother-daughter relationships. A useful if not necessary addition to this description is, however, increasingly being taken up by the Jungian world. Writings on early infant-child development facilitate an expansion of an interpersonal-relational definition of “mother” to an intra-psychic, psychological one. The outer, concrete mother’s capacity to contain and digest primitive, inchoate affect, for example, represents an intrapsychic capacity to process unconscious affect and content (its lack, conversely, subjecting the individual to an experience of being overwhelmed and devoured by these same primitive, unconscious forces).

Splitting The Field . Jung’s chapter on the Trickster archetype was written as a psychological commentary for Paul Radin’s book on The Trickster: A Study in American Indian Mythology. Jung’s emphasizes the compensatory function of the trickster who in opposing the ruling principle relativizes traditional authority and order. Psychologically, the trickster represents the “counter tendencies in the unconscious” which stand in a complementary or compensatory relationship to consciousness (CW9i §468-9). Jung’s later writing, however, takes an important further step in seeing the fairy tale trickster and giant as forming two halves of an unconscious whole; as Jung notes, little tom thumb, has a “dangerous double nature … he is also the ogre himself” (CW12 §84). Uniting seemingly opposing tendencies (parallel to seeing the “co-dependent” as the functional half of the alcoholic) requires an expansion of our view of what we are treating. In this context, the unconscious material has a specific quality of primitivity (represented by the giant) that must be taken into account if it is to be transformed and integrated.

Personification and Concretization .  Jung’s chapter on the archetype of the Spirit illustrates not only a danger in his own writing but in subsequent generations of Jungians’ interpretation of Jung and his work. The concept of archetypes itself is a concretization, our best effort at understanding something inherently process oriented, something psychological. But because these processes are abstract and difficult to define, they are often initially seen through their projection onto the interpersonal field. The image of Spirit as wise old man is easily accessible. The difficulty rests in the next step, the movement to a psychological, analytical, point of view: spirit as an objectification or psychological understanding of the events in our lives and aspects of ourselves.

CW9i Sections II-V on the various archetypes is a provocative approach to material that is inherently more complicated (as Jung himself knew). Our responsibility as instructors (to our trainees) and as analysts is to take this initial work and think further about its implications and meaning so that our own understanding of this material does not become mired in oversimplification and misunderstanding.

REFERENCES

Jung, C.G. (1981). The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious (CW9i). Princeton: Princeton University Press.

Jung, C.G. (1980). Psychology and Alchemy (CW12). Princeton: Princeton University Press.